THE TRUTH ABOUT RICK?

By Miss. Dunne

There’s something I need to get off my chest. It’s been weighing on me all semester. This is not gossip. This is not slander. This is... investigative education.

Let’s talk about Rick.

Yes, that Rick. The student in the giant hoodie and a goatee that I am starting to feel was drawn on. He claims to be 22. Everyone treats him like their in the same age group and his enrollment file says 22. And yet — and I say this with the full force of my academic authority — Rick is clearly a 13-year-old child in disguise. YESSSSSSSS I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!

He’s small, despite his ongoing efforts to deepen his voice mid-sentence, and once referred to my lesson as “a really cool episode.” He also took my POPCORN!!!!

Now, I’ve tried confronting him directly, I said "are you actually a 13 year old boy in disguise?” To which he replied: “That’s what they want you to think.” What does that mean?

My theory?

Rick is part of an experimental early-admissions program gone rogue. A child genius planted in my class to test me. Like a mystery shopper something. A deep-cover kid operative sent to blend in with university students and report back to my bosses. I don’t know. But I will find out.

Either way, I see you, Rick. I see through the hoodies. The mustache. The stickers on your laptop.I know the truth. Now, so do you.